Original Poem
Fall had begun to
set in as the leaves turned red
yellow or orange
The berry picking
season was at its end with
just a token left
My revision
With the beginning
of autumn, nature displayed
its various hues
Berry season was
almost over except for the
few remaining behind
Linking to dVerse Challenge: MTB, Write like a dog, edit like a cat…
Lucy
I love both versions here, but the first one intrigues me greatly. Brilliant use of imagery and detail in both, but these lines from the first draft engaged me the most:
“ set in as the leaves turned red
yellow or orange…”
It’s so beautifully vivid and wild.
transitionofthoughts
Thanks Lucy :).
rothpoetry
Great poems. Nice revision…
dwight
transitionofthoughts
Thanks :).
rivrvlogr
In your revision, I like that the first haiku is “tighter.” In the second, “berry season” works well, but I like “just a token left” in the original.
transitionofthoughts
Thanks :).
peterfrankiswrites
It feels like the colours are stronger more vivid in the first – and more subtle in the second pair – I particularly liked ‘berry season was / almost over…’ Thank you for sharing this.
transitionofthoughts
Thanks Peter :).
kim881
I like both versions equally. In the original I like the use of colour in the opening stanza, and in the revised version I like ‘nature displayed its various hues’. I can imagine the two fused together. He revised version of the second stanza had a tinge of sadness.
transitionofthoughts
Thanks Kim :). Yeah I had just got my first ever chance to do berry picking last year sometime in October but alas we were late to the farm and then the season was done. So I can imagine that it must be quite disappointing once the seasons change.
Ingrid
I like both versions but preferred the first as I’m a stickler for final lines, and to me ‘just a token left’ is the more dramatic ending.
transitionofthoughts
Thanks Ingrid :).
areadingwriter
I am torn as if I am in a berry bush. Both poems have highlights! Love what you did here.
transitionofthoughts
Thanks for stopping by :).
msjadeli
I like the first one better because the colors and it fits the experience you said it is based on.
transitionofthoughts
Thanks Jade :).
msjadeli
You’re welcome.
Björn Rudberg (brudberg)
I think they both have their strengths… maybe it depends on what your want to express.
transitionofthoughts
Thanks Bjorn 🙂
lillian
Well…..truthfully, I like both. I love poetry about autumn….and the idea of saying it has varying hues….with that word “hue” in the title is, in my mind, perfect for the season.
transitionofthoughts
Thanks 🙂