Transition of Thoughts

Weaving thoughts into words

Hues of autumn

Token

Original Poem

Fall had begun to

set in as the leaves turned red

yellow or orange

 

The berry picking

season was at its end with

just a token left

 

My revision

With the beginning

of autumn, nature displayed

its various hues

 

Berry season was

almost over except for the

few remaining behind

 

Linking to dVerse Challenge: MTB, Write like a dog, edit like a cat…

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21 Comments

  1. I love both versions here, but the first one intrigues me greatly. Brilliant use of imagery and detail in both, but these lines from the first draft engaged me the most:

    “ set in as the leaves turned red

    yellow or orange…”

    It’s so beautifully vivid and wild.

  2. Great poems. Nice revision…
    dwight

  3. In your revision, I like that the first haiku is “tighter.” In the second, “berry season” works well, but I like “just a token left” in the original.

  4. It feels like the colours are stronger more vivid in the first – and more subtle in the second pair – I particularly liked ‘berry season was / almost over…’ Thank you for sharing this.

  5. I like both versions equally. In the original I like the use of colour in the opening stanza, and in the revised version I like ‘nature displayed its various hues’. I can imagine the two fused together. He revised version of the second stanza had a tinge of sadness.

    • transitionofthoughts

      Thanks Kim :). Yeah I had just got my first ever chance to do berry picking last year sometime in October but alas we were late to the farm and then the season was done. So I can imagine that it must be quite disappointing once the seasons change.

  6. I like both versions but preferred the first as I’m a stickler for final lines, and to me ‘just a token left’ is the more dramatic ending.

  7. I am torn as if I am in a berry bush. Both poems have highlights! Love what you did here.

  8. I like the first one better because the colors and it fits the experience you said it is based on.

  9. I think they both have their strengths… maybe it depends on what your want to express.

  10. Well…..truthfully, I like both. I love poetry about autumn….and the idea of saying it has varying hues….with that word “hue” in the title is, in my mind, perfect for the season.

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